That Sinking Feeling When You Realize They Lied—Again

It keeps happening..

You ask your kid, “Do you have any homework?”
"Nope, all done."

You want to believe them. You need to believe them—because you’re exhausted, and the last thing you feel like doing is arguing over algebra.

So you let it go.

Then the truth comes out.

Maybe it’s an email from their teacher.
Maybe it’s a missing assignment alert.
Maybe it’s the panicked realization at 10:30 PM that they suddenly remember a huge project is due tomorrow.

And now, you’re left wondering:

• Why do they keep lying about this?
• Do they just not care?!
• If I can’t trust them about homework, what else are they lying about?

It’s frustrating. It’s exhausting. And if you’re honest—it’s a little scary.

But before you panic, here’s something you need to know:

Lying about homework isn’t just dishonesty. It’s a clue.

And if you can figure out why they’re lying, you can actually fix the problem—without constant fights, punishments, or bribes.

Why Kids Lie About Homework

Most parents assume kids lie about homework because they’re lazy, are unmotivated, don’t care about school, or just want to avoid consequences. 

But in reality, lying is almost always a coping mechanism.

Here’s what might actually be going on:

1. Avoidance of Overwhelm

Some kids lie because homework feels too hard. Maybe they don’t understand the material. Maybe their workload is overwhelming. Instead of admitting, “I don’t know how to do this,” they say they finished it—because that feels easier than facing their struggle.

2. Fear of Disappointing You

Even if you don’t think you put a ton of pressure on them, kids often internalize the idea that they’re supposed to be responsible, independent, and capable. If they’re struggling, they may lie to protect your approval—because admitting they’re behind might feel like letting you down.

3. Executive Function Struggles

Many kids—especially those with ADHD or executive function challenges—struggle with planning, organization, and follow-through. They may intend to do their homework but forget, procrastinate, or lose track of time. Instead of admitting, “I got distracted and never did it,” they lie to avoid the lecture they know is coming.

4. Avoiding a Fight

Some kids don’t lie because they don’t care—they lie because they know that telling the truth will lead to an argument. If every conversation about homework turns into a power struggle, lying might feel like the easiest way to avoid the battle.

5. Learned Helplessness

If your child has struggled with homework in the past—whether because of learning difficulties, past failures, or repeated battles with you—they may have developed a sense of hopelessness. Instead of trying and failing again, it’s easier to say, “I already did it.”

“Challenging behavior occurs when the demands being placed upon a child outstrip the skills he has to respond adaptively to those demands.”

— Ross W. Greene, Ph.D.

Author of The Explosive Child, Lost at School, Lost & Found, and Raising Human Beings

How to Respond When Your Kid Lies About Homework

Now that you know why kids lie about homework, let’s talk about what actually helps. Now, keep in mind that it’s very likely that, if homework has been a source of stress and contention, your child is probably VERY quick to shut you out or even downright refuse to engage with you about school or homework.

Many parents that I work with have a hard time getting past this barrier. It often feels like the situation is beyond the point of no return. I assure you–kids are extremely forgiving.  It doesn’t take much evidence for your child to let their guard down and trust you.  But you have to keep trying. They don’t trust that a conversation with you will go well, so they need to see you respond differently–even if they still have their guard up and aren’t ready to let you in.  

For more tips on responding differently and connecting with your child, check out my article on reconnection.. 

Now, how to respond to your child’s lying:

1. Focus on Curiosity, Not Accusation

Instead of, "Why did you lie to me?" try:

• "I got an email from your teacher saying this wasn’t turned in. What happened?"
• "Was the assignment confusing, or did it just feel like too much?"
• "Were you planning to do it later, or did something get in the way?"

Approaching them with curiosity instead of immediate anger makes it more likely they’ll tell you the truth.

2. Help Them Break It Down

If homework feels overwhelming, help them break it into smaller steps. Instead of, “Just do your math homework,” try:

• "Let’s look at the first problem together, and you can tell me if you understand it."
• "Do you want to set a timer and work for 15 minutes, then take a break?"
• "Would it help if we made a quick checklist of what needs to get done?"

Sometimes, getting started is the hardest part.

3. Remove the Fear of Disappointing You

If your child is lying because they’re afraid of your reaction, make sure they know that struggling isn’t a failure. Reassure them that you recognize you have not responded in a helpful way in the past, and that you are committed to changing that. Acknowledge that it may take some time for your child to feel comfortable with these conversations, and that is ok. 

• "I don’t expect you to get everything right—let’s just figure out a way to get it done."
• "It’s okay if this is hard. We’ll figure it out together."
• “Let’s figure out a way for this to feel much easier. We won’t fight about this anymore. I know you’re trying your best.”

4. Address the Real Problem (Not Just the Lie)

If you focus only on the fact that they lied, you miss the real issue—what led to the lie in the first place. And let’s face it: Kids learn very early on that lying is not ok. They don’t want to lie, but faced with no understanding of the problem standing in their way, and no idea how to fix it, lying often feels like their only option.  They’re weighing two unpleasant options, and lying is the one that gives them some (temporary) relief. 

Instead of, “You lied about your homework, and that’s not okay,” try:

• "It’s important to be honest with me, but I understand that telling me the truth has led to fighting and you feeling even worse.”
• “I know you’re a good kid and you don’t want to lie. I feel awful that you’ve felt lying has been the only solution you can come up with because I know you would prefer a better way of handling things. We’ll work together on this, don’t worry.” 
• “If you can work on telling me the truth–even when you feel like the truth is bad news, I can promise you I won’t be upset and I’ll help you fix it.”

5. Set Up a Better System

If your child forgets or avoids homework, a more structured approach can help:

• Figure out a way to help your child collect all assignments so that you know what is on their plate and can actually help them. 
• If your child struggles to write in a planner, talk to their teacher about meeting them where they’re at and working to build that skill, while also making sure to bridge that skill gap by helping them to gather the information they need.
• Set a designated homework time each day.
• Work together to check their memory, sitting in front of online platforms like Google Classroom, Canvas, etc., as well as the online gradebook.

For a step-by-step plan with this, and for all the materials, guides, and video tutorials you need, check out my easy-to-follow, self-paced online course– Homework Help SOS for Parents

The Bottom Line

If your kid is lying about homework, it’s not because they’re trying to manipulate you.

It’s because they’re struggling with something deeper—whether it’s avoidance, fear, executive function challenges, or just not knowing how to ask for help.

And when you can see the lie as a clue instead of just a problem, you can actually fix what’s underneath it.

That’s how you stop the cycle—not with judgement, punishments or lectures, but with understanding, structure, and support.