Parents: Tired of the Constant Battles? The Unexpected Truth About Your Teen’s Attitude—And How to Turn Things Around.

There was a time when your child used to light up when they saw you.

 You remember it—the way they used to tell you every detail about their day, the way they’d reach for your hand without thinking, the way they’d curl up next to you on the couch, just happy to be near you.

 But now? Now it feels like they barely tolerate you.

 Every conversation is tense. Every question is met with an eye roll or a sigh. You don’t even ask about school anymore because you already know the answer: “Fine.” 

 And if they do talk, it’s usually to argue, snap, or demand something.

 It’s not just frustrating. It hurts.

 And if you’re honest? You don’t know how to fix it.

 You’ve tried everything—reminders, warnings, punishments, rewards. You’ve taken away phones, offered second chances, begged them to just talk to you.

 But nothing is working. And now you’re left wondering…

Have I lost them? Is it too late? 

 I hear this from parents all the time. And I know how painful it is to feel like your own child is slipping through your fingers.

 But here’s what I need you to know:

 It’s not too late. And you don’t need to fight harder—you need to connect differently.

 Because no matter how much your child pushes back, no matter how distant they seem, no matter how much they pretend they don’t care—they still want to feel close to you.

 And that’s where real change begins.

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 The Call I Didn’t Expect

 One Saturday night, my phone rang.

 It was one of my kids, calling from the bathroom of a friend’s house. Their voice was hushed, almost hesitant.

 “There’s a huge group of kids here now,” they said. “And… there’s stuff happening that I think you should know about.”

 My stomach dropped.

 I could feel my pulse quicken, my mind racing ahead to worst-case scenarios. My instinct? Panic. Jump in the car. Get them out of there. Demand every detail.

 But then they said something that stopped me in my tracks:

 “It just feels wrong to not let you know. But I promise—I’m not joining in.”

 And suddenly, I realized what was happening.

 My child wasn’t calling to confess. They weren’t calling because they were afraid of getting caught.

 They were calling because they trusted me.

 Because in that moment—when they felt the pressure, when they were surrounded by choices they weren’t sure how to navigate—they didn’t shut me out. They let me in.

That was huge.

I took a breath, pushing down my instinct to react. Instead, I asked, Do you feel safe staying, or do you want to come home? 

They thought for a moment. “I’m okay for now, but I’ll call you if it gets worse.”

 I hung up, my emotions tangled—relief that they had called, fear of what might happen next, gratitude that somehow, in all the messy, imperfect moments of parenting, we had built this.

 And that’s when it really hit me.

 My influence wasn’t coming from rules or punishments. It was coming from connection.

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 The Truth About Influence

 In my work as a therapist, I see parents on this journey all the time. They bring their child into my office with a list of behaviors they want me to “fix.”

 “I just need you to convince him to care about school.”

“She needs to learn respect.”

“He has to stop arguing with everything I say.”

 These parents aren’t bad parents. They’re exhausted. They’ve tried everything—laying out expectations, offering consequences, taking away privileges. And now, they want me to reinforce what they’ve already said a hundred times.

 But here’s the truth:

 Me parroting their expectations back to their child won’t change a thing.

 Why? Because change doesn’t happen when someone feels controlled, judged, or forced. It happens when they feel safe enough to open up.

 Before I can guide a child toward different choices, I need to earn their trust. I need to understand their struggles from their perspective, not just the list of complaints handed to me by frustrated parents.

 And the same is true for you.

 If your child feels disconnected from you, they won’t be open to your guidance.

 Your words—no matter how reasonable, logical, or well-intended—won’t land the way you want them to.

 But when you strengthen connection first? That’s when real influence begins.

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 The Big Mistake That Keeps Parents Stuck

 If your teen barely interacts with you, it’s tempting to use every small moment—passing in the kitchen, a car ride, standing in the doorway—as a chance to remind, correct, or criticize:

 • “Hey, you have all this time to be on your phone, how about studying for your bio test next week?” 

 • “Why don’t you come out of your room every now and then? I’m going to have to take your screens away again.” 

 • “Are you going to clean this room any time soon? It’s disgusting.” 

 But here’s the problem: If every interaction feels like a demand or disappointment, why would they want to be around you more?

 Instead, start with small, pressure-free moments of connection:

 • Mention a memory—tell them you were thinking about that hilarious thing they did as a kid, or a time you had fun together, and that it made you smile today.

 • Casually share something about your own day—not to pry into theirs, but just to remind them you’re a person too, not just the rule enforcer.

 • Send them a random meme, video, or song that reminded you of them—without expecting a response. I recently sent a meme to my son about how many annoying memes moms send to their sons. I’d like to think he smirked. 

 • Make an unexpected offer—“Hey, I’m grabbing a coffee. Want one?” or “I was thinking of ordering pizza later. Any requests?”

 • Say something a little silly—make up a thought-provoking ‘would you rather’ question or an off-the-wall ‘what if’ scenario. You can borrow my most recent question to my son: “What would you do if you came home and I had a huge face tattoo?” Off the wall, but you’ll probably get a smile.

 • mention a quality that you love about your teen, like “Hey, I was just thinking about how kind you are to your grandparents. I love that about you.” (Note: opt for qualities about your teen NOT accomplishments. We need to stop praising productivity more than we admire character.)

These moments—tiny as they seem—are where connection begins again.

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 Connection Is What Gives Your Words Weight, Your Rules Meaning, and Your Relationship the Strength to Weather Anything.

 If you’ve been feeling like you’re losing your child, take a deep breath.

 It’s not too late.

 You don’t have to fix everything overnight. You don’t need to have all the answers.

 You just need to show up.

 Because connection is what gives your words weight, your rules meaning, and your relationship the strength to weather anything.

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